Leap Day 2020.
It was the first day in over seven years that I posted something on social media. I don’t know what is happening to me, other than the fact that I woke up a few days prior and thought to myself, “It’s time. We’re going to start talking about it.”
Take the leap. Don’t look back.
How appropriate that the first sentence was, “Death can be beautiful.”
It seems to me that life leads you to rock bottom before it ascends to the real glory we were born for. No one can live a powerfully resurrected life if they haven’t been in the grave.
It’s been a lifetime of slowly being destroyed, eaten away by pain, culminating into one day where I caused more destruction than I ever imagined possible. In the long season since, I have known death.
More has been buried in this time than I ever thought I could survive. The long dark days of shoveling dirt into holes where friends, family, hopes, relationships, reputations, and dreams lay lifeless have drained my own life—especially knowing that I’m the reason so much of it is dead.
So I keep filling the hole, letting them go. There is nothing I can do at this point. I tell myself, “Bury it and take the next step. Pick up the next piece of carnage. Bury it and take another step. Don’t look back and don’t waste any more of your life trying to undo what you did.“
But I can’t help it… with each grave, I tell Jesus, “You died for this part too. You’re the One who went into the grave so everything in the grave could get out. Only You can turn these into seeds.”
Seeds die don’t they?
And then they do that miracle where they come back to life.
And then they grow beyond what they ever could have been if they had remained a seed.
“Jesus,” I whisper, “each one is in Your hands. They can’t live unless You give them life. Only You can make them bear fruit. I trust You with them.”
And He takes me forward so I can bury the next thing, so I can take another step—out of my own grave. Out of my own death. And I take a breath. I become so alive. It is holy.
And it is beautiful.
What I thought was the end of me turned out to be just the beginning...