We had been trying to get pregnant since April. It was October. I was sick of late periods and negative tests. There was nothing to stop me from conceiving. I’d never taken birth control or compromised my hormones. But my period was late for the fifth month in a row. It had been flowing like clockwork, until we started trying, and then it went crazy—just to mess with my head. I woke up to go to the bathroom and took the test. I wanted to rule out pregnancy again so I didn’t have to think about it and have false hope. It was 6:30am. It was dark. I didn’t even look at it. I set it on the nightstand and rolled over to sleep some more. A little thought reminded me, “The instructions said to not trust that thing after 2 minutes.” UGH. So I rolled over again, turned the light on, and looked at the test. And my heart stopped. This moment. This moment took my breath away.
This moment left me speechless.
This moment forever changed me.
Someone—brand new—was inside of me! You know that waiting is normal. You know that conception isn’t instant. You know that five negatives in a row doesn’t mean you did something wrong. But… what if you did do something wrong? What if you know that your choice is still daily breaking people’s hearts? What if you know that Jesus forgives but a little voice in your head finds a sophisticated way to justify the reasons God has to not bless you?
Maybe we were a disaster couple and in His “wisdom” He would never put a child in that situation. No one else wants to step into our situation, right? They don’t talk to us, they don’t hang out with us, do they even remember us? Maybe God is loving, but He’s not stupid, and maybe giving us a child would be stupid. Things like this would echo in my mind month after month, taunting me, laughing at me, accusing me, reminding me. These were the voices I consistently had to slam to the ground and say, “GOD is NOT like PEOPLE! He didn’t give everything just for us to find out He didn’t mean it! He doesn’t forgive with limits! He doesn’t give and hold back! He doesn’t love based on how we perform! He wants us to KNOW that we cannot do anything about His pursuit of us! We’re never going to convince Him that He has a reason to not give us the life He created us for! NO MATTER WHAT WE HAVE DONE!!!!!” And in this moment the voices were silent. So was I. Here it was… the evidence of mercy. A baby. The little line on a piece of plastic whispered, “You are included in His goodness.” God is the God of taking a mess of death and creating life. I couldn’t believe it. What now? I put my hand on my tummy and said, “Hi!!!” Then I was too overwhelmed to be awake so I laid down and went back to sleep 😂